Occasionally Brilliant

willhelm4greatesthits:

Originally published on 411Mania.com

Misunderstood Masterpieces: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

… or, An Apology For Jar Jar Binks

Please forgive me … I have the feeling this is going to be a long one.

I have a confession to make. I know I’ve said, on occasion, that I really don’t like science fiction. It’s dull, it’s repetitive, and it’s usually plot-less messes polished up with magnificent special effects. You’d never guess that my favorite movie is Star Wars. For those of you who need things in the current system, Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope. Before I even saw the movie, I had the toys, and the toys were awesome for the time. Yes, now we realize that the first Han Solo kind of looks like George Harrison and the lightsabres that pushed out of their hands kind of looked like inflated condoms. Who cares? They were still cool for the day. I can’t quite remember when I first saw the movie on the big screen; it was probably one of the late-‘70s re-releases. From then on, I was hooked. Empire, Jedi … saw them. Every time any of them were on television, I watched them. I damn near have the first film memorized. The more I watch it, the more I realize just how much is packed into that one movie. It was part samurai movie, part Western, part medieval romance, and part ‘50s sci-fi serial. And it was utter and complete genius.

Then nothing new happened for nearly 15 years. I grew up, but my love never subsided. One day in college my friends and I went to see Mars Attacks! While that was a strangely enjoyable little film, it wasn’t the highlight of my movie-going experience that night. Before the film … the trailers. After a few uneventful spots, the familiar 20^th Century Fox logo came up … followed by the Lucasfilm Ltd. logo. You could sense that every person in that theater knew what was coming as there was complete silence. And then we saw the little television screen. You see, the 20^th anniversary of the original film was coming up, and Lucas had a re-release planned. Not just any re-release, but the Special Edition. Stuff was added, the print was restored, it was all good. It really didn’t matter in the long run; what was most important was that it was Star Wars back on the big screen where it belonged. I saw the Special Edition in the theater on February 15, 1997, and I have to say that it was (as I expected) a near-religious experience. I guess it also goes to show how my Valentine’s Days were back in college.

It had long been rumored that the Star Wars series was to entail nine films, released like a Greek epic: first the middle, then the beginning, and then the end. Later, realizing the massive undertaking nine films would be, George Lucas, the creator of the (Star Wars) universe, pared the series down to six films: the original trilogy and a trilogy of prequels. The first of these films was finally set for release in 1999. As word of the casting leaked out, the curiosity of moviegoers far and wide was piqued. Oskar Schindler? The guy from Trainspotting? The little girl from The Professional? Expectations were running high for the success of the film; expectations so high, in fact, that one fan said, “Jesus Christ himself would have to walk out of the screen.” Little did he know then … but I’m getting ahead of myself. The film itself, Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace, ended up being less of a blockbuster than was expected (then again, no movie could live up to those expectations … except for that damned ship movie) and was recently named the worst sequel ever made. How could this happen? How could a film franchise so deeply revered as this fall on such hard times and instill such disillusionment in its fanbase? We shall see …

First things first, though: John L. Williams, I bow to you, good sir. Even though he’s been maligned as a Brahms-wannabe, his fanfare to open the Star Wars films still elicits a chill every time I hear it. And don’t even get me started about the “Imperial March.” We get the usual scroll, explaining to us just what’s going on before the film started. There’s nothing like getting rid of the need for flashbacks; they just take up too much time anyway. It seems that, due to taxation (although WITH representation), the Trade Federation has blockaded the peaceful planet of Naboo … for reasons not fully explained. It’s almost like if the U.S. had a trade dispute with Japan and decided to blockade Haiti. It really doesn’t make much sense. And just who is this evil Trade Federation? The Neimoidians, also known as the “aliens from the planet Charlie Chan.” For some (again) unknown reason, the Trade Federation representatives sound like they should be taking orders for General Tso’s Chicken. Unfortunately, this wouldn’t be the last bizarre choice of characterization in the film.

Anyway, to help with breaking up this senseless blockade, the Republic sends to ambassadors, who just happen to come on a ship badly in need of muffler work. These aren’t your ordinary sash-wearing bureaucrats, however; these ambassadors are Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) … two Jedi! While Qui-Gon takes time to lecture his young apprentice, there are conspiracies afoot as the Neimoidians piss off some holographic figure. Something tells me that holographic guy’s trouble. Just a hunch. The Jedi are ambushed, but they quickly dispatch a bunch of flimsy battle droids. To get at the bridge of the ship, Qui-Gon decides to shove his lightsabre into a door and start melting it! For all you skeptics out there, yes, this is physically possible and, no, I don’t feel like explaining it. Some tougher droids show up and the Jedi hightail it out of there. Wimps. Now cocky with their Jedi-foiling prowess, the Neimoidians hit on young Amidala (Natalie Portman), Queen of the Naboo. Uh, guys … have you ever heard the word “jailbait”? I guess she’s the kind of girl because of whom statutory rape laws were invented. Amidala is disinterested, in both the Neimoidians’ advances and a war as well. Good for her.

Down on Naboo, the dejected Neimoidians practice some extreme deforestation while Qui-Gon meets a lovable life form named Stepin Fechit … I mean “Jar Jar Binks” (Ahmed Best). So now we have some aliens that sound stereotypically Asian and another alien that sounds like something from a 1920s minstrel show. Good going, George. At least in the first movies you took advantage of subtitling and translator droids. Jabba the Hutt never sounded like a goomba gangster and the films were much better for it. It seems that Jar Jar is the Salman Rushdie of the Gungan world as he’s been exiled. Of course, the Jedi strong-arm him into going back to where he was exiled. That’s awfully nice of them. Don’t want Jar Jar to get killed or anything like that by returning. Anyhow, they all go swimming down to the Gungan city to meet with Boss Nass (Brian Blessed), leader of the Gungans and a cross between Peter Ustinov and a frog. The Boss tells them all to get lost through the planetary core, so they grab a ride on a jellyfish and get moving. While Jar Jar confesses his indiscretions, we’re treated to an episode of “When Iron Chef Ingredients Attack!” as various bizarre sea creatures attack the jellyfish-ship. Jar Jar freaks out and Qui-Gon uses a nerve-pinch on him. So the Jedi became the Vulcans?

Meanwhile, the Trade Federation invades Paris … I mean, Naboo. Then again, I might not be wrong, as Queen Amidala has a soft spot for haute couture. Jedi Knight Jon-Pol Gawtiae? It can happen. Luckily for the fashion-conscious queen, the Jedi come to the rescue and we have a (sort-of) JAILBREAK! Judas Priest, yada yada. Although we do learn here that battle droids have a sense of humor. Who would’ve thought! They’ll be headlining a club in the Catskills in a few weeks. The heroes escape the blockade, the film introduces loveable droid R2-D2, and they have to make an emergency landing on Tattooine. You know, there’s something to be said about convenient coincidences. The escape of the Jedi and the queen ticks of the holographic guy, who’s named Darth Sidious (Ian McDiarmid), so he sends out HIS young apprentice, leering sinister guy Darth Maul (Ray Park). This, rightfully so, freaks out the Neimoidians. Oops. Oh … a word on Mr. McDiarmid for a moment. When I found out they were using the same actor to play the Palpatine/Sidious role as in Return of the Jedi, I wondered if he would live long enough to make it through production of all three new films. The actor behind the Emperor’s make-up had to be old, for sure. Do you know how old Ian McDiarmid was when Return of the Jedi was released? 37. Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn’t it? Or not.

Queen Amidala’s ship, like the Jedi’s before it, needs some engine work, so they head down to Mos Espa on the lovely little twin-sunned desert planet of Tattooine for some parts. Gee whiz … it looks like Pakistan! We love Pakistan! There, they meet with the Toydarian answer to the Pep Boys, Watto (Andrew Secombe). Of course, the cheap and wily Watto speaks with a heavy Yiddish accent. Nope … not stereotypical at all. There’s also a young boy named Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd). He’s a slave, but he’s optimistic about it. He’s also a 10-year-old horndog, as he immediately starts flirting with Padmé, Queen Amidala’s handmaiden and representative along for the trip. He’s also snotty, testy, and annoying and says “Yippee!” a lot as well. What a loveable scamp! In town, Jar Jar and R2-D2 whine and then Jar Jar ticks off a Dug named Sebulba. Hmmm … “A Dug Named Sebulba” … sounds like a ‘50s sitcom to me! Anyway, it’s Anakin to the rescue as he saves Jar Jar from a whuppin’, talks far too fast, and then some old lady tells him to go home.

A storm’s a’brewin’, so Anakin brings his newfound “friends” home with him. He’s just such a friendly kid. Too bad he’s a little grating on the nerves. While at the casa di Skywalker, Anakin again hits on Padmé, this time showing off his skeletal C-3PO (Anthony Daniels). I guess that’s the Tattooine version of showing someone your etchings. We’re also introduced to Anakin’s impossibly Swedish mom, Shmi (Pernilla August). I wonder if she knows Max von Sydow. The impossibly wise (and fairly ingratiating) Anakin later figures out that Qui-Gon is a Jedi. What a smartypants! He then starts ordering people around. Pushy little bastard. I bet he always gets his way just because he’s cute. And there’s more to the “little bastard” part than just the insult, as it turns out that Anakin, who possesses super-human reflexes, isn’t just a Jedi in disguise, but just the Judeo-Christian Messiah spawned from a virgin birth. Thanks, George … I didn’t know we were going the evangelical route.

Anyway, Anakin has a little play-date with his other friends, as he shows off his pod-racer. He really likes showing off, doesn’t he? Also, how are there orthodontists on Tattooine? One of Anakin’s friends has braces! Oops. Oh … we also get some slapstick inspired fun with Jar Jar Binks. Later, at the Skywalker ranch, Qui-Gon takes a blood sample from Anakin to test his “midichlorians.” Midichlorians? Midichlorians! What is this? It sounds vaguely like something from the structure of a cell. Oh wait … those are mitochondria. Nevermind. It seems that Anakin is going to race his pod, so Qui-Gon makes a few friendly wagers with Watto, who’s not only cheap but addicted to gambling as well. Not … at … all … stereotypical. Ahem.

Oh, and if you were ever wondering if George Lucas pays attention to Kevin Smith movies, the proof is right here. You see, the name of the model of Queen Amidala’s ship is a Nubian. If you’ve seen it, back in Chasing Amy, Banky Edwards (Jason Lee) asks Hooper X (Dwight Ewell), while discussing Darth Vader of all characters, “What’s a Nubian?” The answer, therefore: Queen Amidala’s ship. And now you know … and knowing is half the battle.

And now it’s time for Ben-Hur in Space, also known as the Boonta Eve pod race. For our listening pleasure, we have a two-headed announcer, Fode (Scott Capurro) and Beed (Greg Proops). Too bad Fode wasn’t Tony Slattery; then we could’ve been treated to “Who’s Bantha Is It Anyway?” Or not. We also get a guest appearance from our good pal Jabba the Hutt. And hey look! There’s Mrs. Jabba … or is it Mrs. Hutt. It can be all so confusing, especially since Hutts are supposedly asexual. That could very well be Mr. Hutt, which would explain why Jabba wanted Han Solo so badly. Then again, he also got Princess Leia. He’s very open-minded like that, I guess. The event is very reminiscent of a NASCAR race as the redneck Tusken Raiders camp out on the infield and cause trouble. That’ll learn that Jeff Gordon, Cletus. Also, why is there a need for pit stops when the race is only a few laps long? I’m just wondering.

As expected, Anakin wins the race and everyone immediately reads way too much into his victory. I mean, it’s not like the American hockey team beat the Soviet Union or anything like that. And even then people read too much into that! The only real effects of Anakin’s checkered flag are that he’s free and the heroes get the parts they need. You’d think that a lifelong slave would be happy to be free, but instead Anakin whines and complains and suffers from separation anxiety. Will he ever stop? I guess Padmé isn’t around to shut him up. We get a droid’s-eye-view as Anakin says farewell to C-3PO while we also learn that Darth Maul has one sweet ride. He shows up to give Qui-Gon a little trouble, but the Jedi escapes anyway. Oh well. Anakin finally meets Obi-Wan and the audience is all like “Awwwww!” while Qui-Gon is all like “Yeah, I know he’s annoying … I’m sorry.” Even in space Anakin is feeling his pre-pubescent hormones as he yet again hits on Padmé, with the usual results. Enough already, kid! Maybe she wants someone a little older, with a Corellian Corvette and a part-time job.

Are you in the mood for political discussion? Good, because that’s what you’re going to get down on Coruscant! Immediately after landing, the heroes meet with Senator Palpatine (McDiarmid) and Chancellor Valorum (Terence Stamp). While Amidala and the politicians go off to discuss things, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan meet with … the Jedi Council! Because you and I know they’re cool. How could they not be, when the let Samuel L. Jackson be a Jedi, and he’s the epitome of cool? I thought so. Although what’s not cool is the really ugly new Yoda (Frank Oz) puppet. Yick! You see, while producing this film, Lucas decided to do everything in-house, without outside involvement. Therefore, instead of using the old Henson-created puppet for Yoda, the Lucasfilm people made a vastly inferior puppet of their own. Good thing for CGI, because otherwise Yoda would’ve looked just as nasty in Attack of the Clones. They discuss just whom Darth Maul is in cahoots with as well as Jedi training for young Skywalker. Meanwhile, Anakin is trying to hook up one more time with Padmé before he starts his training, which I guess is like a guy getting a hooker the day before he goes to the seminary to join the priesthood.

Meanwhile, we get more politicky goodness as the Senate debates whether or not an army of robots is invading Naboo. Honestly, who would make something like that up? I know I wouldn’t … that’d just be wrong. Also, Palpatine seemingly flirts with Amidala. It’s either one of his sinister machinations or he’s a pervert. Or both. Back at the Jedi Temple, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan have a chat while Anakin takes one of those parapsychology tests like from the beginning of Ghostbusters. Sadly, there are no electric shocks this time. Maybe then Jake Lloyd would have to act. Yoda can sense much fear in him; probably it’s because Anakin has to look at an ugly, crotchety puppet. Of course Yoda knows that Anakin thinks he’s a crotchety, ugly puppet, so Anakin gets rejected and Qui-Gon gets dejected. You can tell because he says “mindful” about 80 billion times. Or so. Elsewhere, proving what I theorized before, Palpatine entreats Amidala to stay on Coruscant when she demands to return to Naboo. He’s a sick one, he is. I mean, Amidala’s somewhat attractive and all, if you can get past the kabuki makeup, but she’s still technically “jailbait.” Then again, can a queen be “jailbait”? She is the queen, after all. So many questions!

Back on Naboo, Amidala tells Jar Jar that he is to be the key to victory, so he immediately takes the group on a tour of the Amazon rainforest. You can tell it’s the Amazon because there are what seem to be giant Olmec heads lying around everywhere. They’re so common, I even have one in my basement. Amidala kisses some Boss Nass ass to try to get the Gungans’ help in defeating the Trade Federation and then Padmé does the same thing. Because, it turns out that Amidala is Padmé … or Padmé is Amidala. It’s all so confusing. Just remember that the one that’s Natalie Portman, that’s Amidala … and Padmé. Dammit. Anyway, it’s not much of a well-kept secret and the least-astute viewer should be able to pick up on it. But if not, it’s explained to you right there. You’re welcome. In one of those tremendous faults of logic in the name of progressing the plot (like allowing Gord inside a hospital), Boss Nass makes Jar Jar a general. Because everyone wants an inept exile to become a high-ranking military official. Then again, it sounds like the recent history of most Third World nations.

And, speaking of which, it’s time for a fight! You can tell because the Gungans play digiredoos while marching through the jungles. Maybe they’re going off to fight Men at Work. Or Kajagoogoo. We’ll see if they’re “Too Shy” to fight! I’m sorry … that was bad. It’s pretty much the standard story here as pilots take off, the Gungans fight the droids, and Darth Maul is a badass. Anakin, wanting to be a badass rulebreaker just like Darth Maul, boosts a starfighter. Now he’s annoying, pushy, and guilty of grand theft starfighter. While Amidala breaks into her own throne room, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon fight Darth Maul, Qui-Gon meditates, and then gets killed. Just remember kids, if you have to choose between Tai Chi and a lightsabre … TAKE THE LIGHTSABRE! I cannot stress that enough. Seemingly, everyone gets captured, but it’s only a momentary ruse to build up suspense as Amidala breaks free, Anakin blows up the ship, and Obi-Wan slices Darth Maul like a fine Virginia ham. Mmmm … ham. Oh, Qui-Gon and Francisco Franco are still dead. Everything (except the whole Qui-Gon dying bit) resolves nicely so we have a parade to celebrate the end of the movie! Yay! Queen Amidala gives Boss Nass the big sparking ball of peace (available at Spencer Gifts, $49.95) and John L. Williams gives us an enchanting lullaby. Ah, that phantom was so menacing, wasn’t it?

You know something? This movie isn’t half as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Yes, it does have its flaws; that I’ll admit. Watto, the Neimoidians, and Jar Jar all suffer from unfortunate accents and characterizations. Other than Watto, however, the Trade Federation and especially Jar Jar Binks play critical roles in the plot of Attack of the Clones. There’s also the terribly wooden acting … that has been a criticism of George Lucas’ style long before this film. The only reason a lot of people forget this is because Harrison Ford’s Han Solo was just so damned cool. Everyone else? Pretty much stiff as a board, for the most part. And all speaking oddly clipped English as well. Other than minor flaws, though, two major flaws are what bring this film down considerably:

1) Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker. I’m terribly sorry if I sound harsh, but Lloyd’s performance is awful. It lacks something that was sorely needed for a character that would turn from an altruistic young boy into the most evil being in the galaxy: subtlety. Everything Anakin says is loud and flat, with absolutely no range of emotion. It’s almost as if he’s screaming for attention even as everyone is watching him. He lacks nuance or believability. I know that’s picking nits in a science-fiction movie, which are not necessarily known as bastions of great acting, but we needed to believe that this boy had the potential, however slim, to become Darth Vader somewhere in the future, and it just didn’t happen.

2) Context. This is the film’s greatest flaw. We all knew where the trilogy of prequels was leading to, and therefore we had expectations of how to get there. When The Phantom Menace diverged from those expectations, it was as if Holy Hell had been unleashed. Qui-Gon Jinn? Naboo? Midichlorians!?! VIRGIN BIRTH!?! This was not the prequel that we were prepared for or expecting. What we forgot to realize was that, to reach the Star Wars universe we knew, there had to be a foundation set to either be built up (the Sith, the Trade Federation, Chancellor Palpatine) or torn down (the Republic, the Jedi, probably 80-90% of Jedi dogma in The Phantom Menace). Did we know at that time that Jar Jar Binks would later become the senator whose actions would lead to the start of the Clone War? No. At the time he was just an insulting minstrel caricature with an unbelievable amount of naïveté. Did we know the Trade Federation would become one of the major impetuses of those same Clone Wars? No. Back in 1999, they were just the aliens from the planet Charlie Chan. The release of Attack of the Clones has made The Phantom Menace retroactively better, as the loose pieces of the bridge between The Phantom Menace and the first trilogy are now beginning to fall into place. Will the release of Episode III in 2005 in turn improve The Phantom Menace as well? Only time will tell.

I bet you’re wondering if I know what’s going to happen in the next film. Let’s just say I have ideas, but I have no expectations. And thanks for hearing my confession.